Breaking up is hard to do
This past spring as I was celebrating my new state of engagement with my beloved, I was also navigating a painful breakup with my professional partner.
We wrote epic emails back and forth for several weeks dancing around facing the facts. We cried (I cried anyway!), got angry, felt unheard and immensely frustrated. In the end, we had to admit (mostly against my will) that we, as a we, were no longer a good match professionally.
I sat with that for a few days.
I hated it and was scared of it. Until I wasn’t. And it really didn’t take long. I was free. I realized that I hadn’t felt free in the relationship, but instead a huge need to please and to be validated as a ‘good’ partner. So much so that I forgot to ask myself what I wanted, what my vision was, where I wanted to growth for me.
This joyous feeling of free spread over me and allowed me to look with new eyes at the place I had been, and at the person I had been so determined to succeed with. What I saw this time, instead of rejection and a ‘your-not-good-enough’ finger-wag was completely different. I saw how much she loved me, and for who I was rather than who I was trying to be on order to make a good fit. I saw that she saw me before I could see me.
I also saw that things are not, and cannot be fixed. I would have done just about anything to not ‘fail’ in this or any sort of relationship. And that, looking at an experience that occurs when the heat is turned up (by adding another person to pull you out of your head and onto the ground) as a pass or fail was already a HUGE twist in world view. One that makes the fall down long and arduous.
This woman, one of my best and most HONEST friends has helped me grow up in countless ways, but this may be the very best of them. I have been able to step into a world I painted specifically for me. And shift from partner to dear friend, a title I hold much closer to my heart.